


Down On My Knees

by sublime42



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anal Sex, Chubby!Buck, Depression, Fat!Buck, Gay Sex, Isolation, M/M, Sex, Therapy, Weight Gain, Weight Issues, binge eating, depressed!Buck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 21:53:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29267541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sublime42/pseuds/sublime42
Summary: Buck becomes depressed after being told he cannot work as a fireman again. Eddie helps him get back on his feet.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley and Eddie Diaz
Comments: 5
Kudos: 89





	Down On My Knees

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: I’m pretending that Buck didn’t sue the city. I always kinda thought the lawsuit arc was stupid anyway. Takes place after my other fic All Of You, but can be standalone if you assume that Buck gained 30lbs while recovering from surgery.

When Buck returns to the 118, the response is overwhelmingly positive. Everyone is happy to have him back. They even have a dinner in his honor, all the food made by Bobby. He’s been given a new uniform that fits better, but no one mentions his weight or appearance until the dinner ends, and Bobby jokingly comments that Buck looks very “healthy”. Which Buck knows is code for fat, of course. He’s not stupid. 

Bobby doesn’t mean it to be cruel, and Buck doesn’t fear for his employment since he has passed a physical and is cleared for the job. Even at thirty pounds heavier and with a metal rod in his leg, he can still do what he needs to do - visits to the gym with Eddie have ensured that, even if they haven’t helped him to drop any weight. 

At the very least he looks more muscular than he did a few weeks prior, and he takes that as a win. 

So he forces a smile and rolls his eyes and tells Bobby thanks for noticing, and they move on with life. A call comes in soon after, and they go on their way.

\---

And then, the blood clot hits, and he’s vomiting blood all over Bobby and Athena’s house. He survives but finds he’s not cleared for work anymore, and the complex mix of emotions that he felt right after he was initially injured returns, but worse this time.

He thought he’d made it back, but now he feels as if he’s at square one, if not worse. 

He feels anger, at Bobby for disallowing him to return again, and at himself for being so physically fragile. 

He feels jealous, especially of Eddie. Eddie, who is four years older than him yet is somehow still in much better physical condition. Who is still able to do his job.

He feels worry over what the future holds. He’s been told he can work as a fire marshall, or maybe as an instructor, but he’s not sure if mentally he can cope with that. With teaching instead of doing, and watching other younger, fitter recruits do the job he was meant to do.

All of it amounts to a general feeling of bitter depression, and Buck spends the next two months at home, doing the two things that have been making him feel better as of late: drinking heavily and eating excessively.

\---

Eddie is, of course, worried about Buck.

He visits often, but Buck is always in a bad mood, and every time he shows up, Buck’s loft is in a worse state of disarray.

There’s trash all over, and dirty clothes on the floor, and remnants of food everywhere. He’d always known that Buck liked to eat and drink, but it’s getting to a point where Eddie legitimately thinks there’s a problem. 

Add to that the fact that Buck has stopped shaving and showering, and rarely seems to move from his spot on the couch lately, and Eddie really isn’t sure what to do. He has to help, though. That’s what he does best - help people, fix things.

At first he tries subtle things, like asking if Buck wants to take a walk with him. Tells him it’s a beautiful day, and that they don’t have to go far but that a little sunlight might be good. Of course, Buck turns him down, saying that he doesn’t feel like going out in the heat. 

So, Eddie offers to sit with him in his mess, watch television with him. The response seems to startle Buck slightly - it is almost as if he was expecting an argument. He shrugs and moves over, making space for Eddie to sit near him, and for two hours they watch reruns of Reno 9-1-1. 

Eddie notices that Buck looks calmer than he has in a while, just having someone there with him, and he wishes he had tried it sooner, but Buck had seemed so hostile to his presence that he’d been nervous. Perhaps he was taking things to fast. Well, he can go slower, if that’s what Buck requires.

\---

Eddie starts taking notice to the things that trigger Buck and the things that seem to make him happy.

Talking about things at the 118 triggers him, and Buck will often become depressed and moody if it’s brought up, so Eddie tries not to mention it beyond stating when he has a shift so Buck knows not to expect him over. 

Talking about Christopher seems to make Buck happy, so Eddie focuses on that. He brings over art projects that Christopher made and asks Buck if he wants to hang them up, and Buck for the first time mentions the state of his apartment. He says how he needs to clean up before they hang anything, and so Eddie asks if he wants some help.

They end up cleaning the kitchen, which takes an hour between the two of them. Buck seems tired after it, as if doing something so simple as cleaning a room has taken everything out of him. Eddie wonders if it has, if Buck’s depression is really _that_ bad that he can barely function. 

Still, it’s a step in the right direction. 

That night, Carla watches Christopher and Eddie stays with Buck, curled up on the couch with him. Buck rests his head in Eddie’s lap and they watch more reruns as Eddie plays with Buck’s long hair.

\---

Maddie thinks Buck needs to see a therapist, or a doctor to get medication. Clearly he’s suffering. Eddie tends to agree, but Buck is prideful and is unlikely to admit that anything is wrong, even if his actions are like a giant neon sign shouting that he needs help.

Eddie wonders how to handle this, talks to Hen and Chim about it too - they’re friends, and they worry about Buck as well, even though he refuses to answer their phone calls or respond to their texts. Chim suggests that leading by example might help. If Buck sees Eddie talking to a therapist, he might be apt to try as well.

\---

Eddie really doesn’t like therapy, but he acknowledges that he does have problems and that it might actually help him. The whole situation with Christopher and his mom was stressful enough and the issues with Buck are starting to put him over the edge. He manages well enough but he knows it’s starting to wear on him so he figures he may as well try.

One day, after dinner at Buck’s place, he mentions that he’s going to see Frank. He braces himself, unsure of how Buck will react.

Buck stares at him for a moment before he speaks.

“You’re that bad off?” He asks, before swallowing nervously. “Is it… is it because of me?”

Eddie didn’t expect that question and he thinks on his feet.

“I worry about you, of course, but it’s… a lot of things. It’s been a tough year for me, what with Christopher’s mom and all. I just think maybe some help would be good.”

Buck looks worried all of a sudden. He tenses up and moves further away, as if he doesn’t want to be near Eddie at all.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Eddie asks, concerned. He reaches for Buck’s hand but the younger man pulls it back.

“You’re going to leave me. As you should. Who wants to deal with this mess,” he says, motioning vaguely. “You can do better than me. You should go. I don’t blame you.”

Eddie scoots closer and puts an arm around Buck’s shoulders.

“I’m not leaving you. Don’t say things like that! I’m simply getting some help for my own issues. I love you, Buck, even if you are a mess. You’re _my_ mess.” He kisses Buck on the cheek. 

“Hm.” Buck’s stance softens, and he sighs. “Well… Okay.”

“Okay.”

“Maybe… let me know how it goes. If it’s helpful.”

Eddie smiles at him and kisses him again.

“I will.”

\---

Buck doesn’t end up agreeing to try therapy, but he does agree to see a psychiatrist. The problem is getting there.

Buck hasn’t left his loft in months. He’s had his groceries delivered, everything he needs brought to the door. It’s left him somewhat nervous about going outside. Not only that, barely any of his clothes fit. Two months of binge eating and heavy drinking have put an additional twenty pounds on him, and even his sweat pants are tight. The clothes he’d bought after his initial gain didn’t fit well anymore, so he’s left panicking about how he’s going to go to the appointment.

Buck doesn’t seem to want Eddie to leave, so he calls in a favor. Chimney ultimately comes to the rescue, dropping by a Walmart to pick up some larger jeans and t-shirts, and delivering them. 

Now Buck can go out. Now he has no excuse. 

Eddie drives him to the appointment and sits in the waiting room while it happens.

\---

The psychiatrist diagnoses Buck with depression and anxiety and gives him a script for an antidepressant, and Buck starts taking it. Eddie stays over as much as possible for the first few weeks, worried about the possibility that Buck will have suicidal thoughts as it’s a potential side effect, but thankfully, he seems alright.

It takes three weeks for the meds to fully kick in. When they do, he seems much calmer, more logical. He stops drinking as much, saying he doesn’t feel as good when he does, and slowly he starts to come out of his shell.

It’s not much. It’s little things, like one day, Eddie comes over to find that Buck cleaned his bathroom. The next week, Buck has shaved, showered and cut his hair. Without the beard Eddie can see how chubby Buck’s face has gotten, but he thinks it’s adorable. It makes him look even younger. He tells him how handsome he looks and is happy when Buck smiles for the first time in a while.

Within two months Eddie can see the Buck he remembers coming back. His loft is mostly clean, and he’s wearing decent clothes. He even goes out sometimes, for little things like to the grocery store.

The only thing that hasn’t slowed down is Buck’s weight gain. Eddie feels grateful that Buck is only binging on food and not on alcohol, but the combination of that plus the medication’s side effects means he’s put on a substantial amount in a short time. 

Not that he would admit it to most people but he finds Buck more attractive this way, though he does really worry about Buck’s health. It can’t be healthy for anyone to get big so fast.

He’s really not sure how to address it though. He doesn’t want to make Buck feel self conscious. Perhaps showing Buck how attractive he finds him will make it clear that he’s worried about Buck’s health more than his appearance.

\---

It’s taken half a year, but Buck and Eddie are finally getting to be intimate again. Eddie takes it slow, not going any further than Buck seems comfortable with.

They start with making out, Eddie kissing and biting Buck’s lips and making his way to Buck’s ears, nipping and sucking on them as well. They do that for a while, until Eddie feels Buck starting to get hard. He smiles and kisses Buck’s neck.

“Wanna move it upstairs?” Eddie whispers. 

Buck closes his eyes and groans.

“I do, but…”

“But what?”

“You know I look a lot different now.”

“And I still love every part of you,” Eddie answers. 

Buck pulls away.

“You haven’t seen me without clothes in months, Eddie. Maybe… maybe this is a bad idea.”

“Or maybe I can _show_ you how much I love you,” Eddie counters. 

Buck seems reluctant, like he’s nervous, but Eddie has never lied to him and he trusts him enough now to give it a go. He lets Eddie help him to his feet and they make their way to the bedroom.

\---

Eddie and Buck stand in front of Buck’s bed, kissing and undressing each other. Buck removes Eddie’s shirt and runs his hand on Eddie’s side, and tries not to cringe when Eddie removes his top.

Eddie kisses his neck again, and moves down, kissing Buck’s collarbone and chest. He can see that Buck really has gotten big. His round belly pushes out proudly and his chest is softer. Buck shivers as Eddie runs a hand on his side, fingers ghosting over his stretch marks. Eddie thinks they look painful as they are red, so he does his best to be careful in that area.

He gently pushes Buck onto his back on the bed and kisses his way down Buck’s belly before undoing Buck’s jeans, which are very tight. They leave marks on his sides and Eddie makes a mental note to see about getting him new ones. 

Still, Eddie really does think he looks gorgeous, just seeing and touching Buck makes him incredibly hard and wet, precum wiping onto Eddie’s boxers. He pulls Buck’s jeans off and throws them on the floor, followed by Buck’s boxers and sees that Buck is rock hard too. 

Eddie rests a hand on Buck’s side and leans in to suck Buck’s cock a bit, making the younger man moan and writhe. He stops sucking just before Buck seems ready to come. 

“Fuck, Eddie,” Buck pants. “Fucking come on. Get in me!”

Eddie grins and spits on his hand, then lifts Buck’s legs so they’re resting on his shoulders. He loves being able to see Buck in front of him, his big stomach and soft pecs and double chin. It makes him all the more eager to fuck, so Eddie begins stretching Buck out using his fingers, making sure that Buck’s ready for him. When Buck starts to beg again he relents and pushes himself inside, groaning at the feeling of tightness around his cock.

“Fucking go, Eddie!” Buck nearly shouts.

Eddie begins pushing in and out, watching as Buck’s belly and pecs move with the motion, loving how it looks, how sexy and big Buck looks. He loves seeing Buck blissed out, eyes closed and panting as Eddie takes him.

But, it’s been a while for them both. Eddie feels close to coming within minutes. He wraps a hand around Buck’s cock and jerks him off, both of them finishing at the same time, Eddie inside of Buck and Buck on the underside of his belly.

Even though Eddie did most of the work, Buck is out of breath. Still, he’s grinning.

“That felt fucking great,” he says, as Eddie lays down next to him. 

“Told you I think you’re sexy,” Eddie replies, kissing Buck again.

“Yeah, yeah. Don’t think you could fake something like _that_.”

\---

From that point on, Eddie notices that Buck feels more comfortable around him. He snuggles closer to him, doesn’t cringe when they touch. It’s as if Eddie has convinced him that he loves him just the way he is.

It’s enough to encourage Buck to try therapy. Eddie is still going, and worst case scenario, Buck can quit if he hates it.

He finds a therapist who agrees to meet with him virtually and after a few sessions starts to feel lighter. It feels good to let out some of his feelings, the anger and pain he feels deep inside, that he’s been masking with food and meds. 

A month in, Eddie notices that Buck is eating less. Two months out, and Buck looks slimmer. He’s still big, but he looks healthier overall. 

Eddie meant what he had said about loving Buck no matter how he looked, and he reminds Buck of this any time he has doubts. 

And when Buck finally feels ready to give the fire marshall job a chance, Eddie tells him how proud he is of him. 

He knows it’ll take more time for Buck to fully heal mentally, if he ever does, but he’s getting there, and Eddie feels grateful to be able to come along for the ride and to help the man he loves.


End file.
